I’ve been talking to a few people lately about coping with day-to-day life. Or more specifically talking about the notion of not coping, what that means, what that looks like, and how to deal with it.
We all face struggles in our life, and we all have a different capacity to cope with those struggles. Sometimes our struggles feel overwhelming. Other times we feel a sense of guilt about being consumed by our own person struggles when there are so many catastrophes emblazoned across the media week after week: global pandemic, war in Ukraine, climate change, mass murders in the US. So many catastrophes that our own struggles can at times feel trivial.
Our own struggles, however, are not trivial. We are only the sum of our own experiences. Catastrophes going on in other parts of the world impact on us, but those things are generally not day-to-day reality for us. For many of us global catastrophes play out on a screen. Our own personal struggles are more real, and often, more challenging. And that’s okay. It’s not selfish, that’s just what being human is like.
I think for many people it can be very difficult to reflect inwardly, to look at yourself and say, “these are my challenges, they are legitimate and I am struggling with them.” It can be very hard to admit that to yourself, let alone to others. I have been talking to a number of people lately about giving yourself permission to say, “I am struggling,” or “I have a problem,” or “I am not coping”. To say to yourself, “this is how I feel. It is real. It is okay.”
If that is how you are feeling right now, you are not alone. Believe me, we have all been there. I have been there many times. There is nothing wrong with struggling, or failing, or falling over. That’s a part of what it means to be human. It’s a part of learning and growing. And it is a part of the journey toward becoming the best person we can be. We can’t really know the full experience of being human without struggling, failing and falling over. We can’t really be the best person we can possibly be if we haven’t faced this type of adversity. It’s not fun but in a very real sense it is necessary.
We all need to go through challenging periods in our life, but we should not be afraid of “failing”. In failing there are lessons we can learn. There are lessons everywhere. We should be focused on the “getting up” and “moving forward”. We should celebrate coping with our struggles. It’s not about being perfect or not perfect. It’s about learning from what has happened and finding ways to improve, ways to grow. In the long-term these are actually beneficial experiences.
I know that it is hard to accept feeling like you’ve failed or feeling like you haven’t lived up to the expectations of yourself or of others, or feeling like you’re weak. Social conditioning plays a huge part in these feeling. We’re taught from an early age by society, by school, by film and television, (in the modern world) by social media that we must be perfect and strong and have it all together every minute of every day. Our brains have been programmed over the course of our entire lives to think like that, but this sets us up for failure. We feel an overwhelming sense of pressure to cope and to succeed and to be seen doing it. Many people feel pressure to broadcast images of a successful life on social media. It is simply not realistic to expect ourselves to cope every day with the stress and the trauma and the struggle that is normal in our lives.
The way that I see it is that “not coping” is actually how we do cope. “Not coping” is normal. “Not coping” is fine. In fact, it is better for our brain to fail or fall down or just check out sometimes. It’s hard to believe, it’s hard to accept, but it really is okay. I think our brain is supposed to do that. It’s how we keep things in balance. It’s how unconsciously we manage ups and downs, manage pressure, and how we learn. “Not coping” is just one step in a long process of coping, it is a part of the learning and growing on our journey through life.
A frustrating thing with hitting rock bottom and trying to pick yourself up is that generally it is a very slow process. It is hard work. It can take a long time. It’s not like in Hollywood movies, or in a sitcom where all the complexities and challenges in life are ironed out within half an hour. That’s just not reality. The process can take years in some circumstances, but that’s the process you must go through to get from rock bottom to back on your feet, but you must BELIEVE that you WILL come out the other end, and you will be better for the experience. If you believe that you can, if you keep faith with yourself that you are capable and that you are worthwhile, then you will get through the most challenging times in your life and come out the other end better for the experience.
How do I know all of this? I don’t. I’m not an expert. These are just my perceptions, a collection of thoughts based on my personal experiences, things I’ve read, and my observations of the experiences of others. It’s fine to disagree with me or to disregard everything I’ve written here. This is just the way I see things. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Thanks John.
Michael Cunliffe
The Thoughts Of Odvito 
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